An achievement or a compromise?

Sometimes I wonder, What exactly do I want out of life? Is it money? Is it satisfaction? Or is it just a compromise? Am I really doing what I have always wanted to in my life? Did I even know what I wanted to do?I think I had a fair idea...

As a child I had always thought that I am going to make it big. I will do something that has never been done before. I think I wanted to become a scientist, a researcher may be, holding those fancy test tubes and mixing colors and Eureka!I've done it! But here I am, testing some code written by other people like me and something that has been done by thousands, if not millions, of people. On the outside, life looks cool. No complaints whatsoever. But inside, I have a completely different story to tell....

I think I followed my childhood dream to a pretty good extent. I took up chemical engineering, which is in its own way, different from the usual engineering courses and more challenging too. I enjoyed doing chemical engineering. I still love it. It was one best decisions in my life. I did very well in college. Paper presentations, seminars, quizzes, being among the toppers, heading the association and what not!!Then came the campus placements...was bound to do well in it too. Got a job in software firm. But wasn't sure as to go for further education or take it up. All I knew was that I wanted to do something "different'" and software certainly cannot be termed as "different".Then, What went wrong? Why dint I go ahead and do some research in this "fascinating" field? Why did I take up the job in a Software firm? And, now I am stuck. Stuck with software, and thank god, not for the rest of my life.

I don't know if it is just a general human tendency or Is it with me. But I am seldom satisfied with what I do. I have done lot of things which probably many people have not done, but there are people who have done it. In fact, have been doing it for a long time now. How do I mark myself "different" from others? There are times when I just feel like screaming aloud, but I don't!

Inside Out?

There are times in my life when I feel like freaking out. Doing what I want....saying whatever comes to my mouth....but that doesn't happen! Why? Why do I stop myself? i don't know, I really don't know!

I don't really say what I want to say.It may be something very trivial and inconsequential but that is what comes out of my heart, that is what i feel, but i don't do what i feel like doing.I end up doing something that I never would have thought about.

One instance, i may quote here, is when i go riding my bike on the roads. I don't like to breach the traffic rules and I don't(well, i must confess, i do but on very few occasions). And the traffic sense of hyderabadis isn't very pleasing(This one of the very few things about hyd that I don't like, otherwise, Hyderabad rocks!!). God forbid! The Auto Rickshaws! They are pathetic.
So, let me come back to what I was saying, yes, when I am riding and it happens, everyday, that someone jumps a signal and lands right in front of me. I feel like kicking his ass off, but I don't. Whats worse? I smile. I mean inside I am burning with anger and frustration. But I smile or just don't say or express anything.May be it is good, good for him and may be even for me! But the point to be driven home is that I don't do what I think I would do. This may be a very poor example or probably i am not able to write it out properly but this is what I think when I reach home(or office). What is that stops me from doing what I would want to do? Am I afraid of that person? No, I don't think so. It is not fear! It is just that I cannot shout on somebody I do not know. Somebody who I will not be seeing again to say a "Sorry"!Or whatever! I dont know!Or I just want to maintain difference between that person and me.

Small and minute things in life can make so much of a difference, they can make you laugh or weep or just make you contemplate about it. You never know. But for all that to happen, we have to listen to our hearts. Listen to what it says. Not force it to do something that it doesn't want to do.But by this, i don't mean I am going to lash out at a person for breaking rules, No, I wont. I will continue to smile, with a fond hope that person will not to do that again.For, it is for his own good.

Will add more to this when time permits. This line is for others,If anyone's reading this, otherwise it is for myself. To vent out my feelings and try to reach to a solution within myself.