I punched my employee I.D, I produced my finger and beep, the biometric system yelled. I was free to go home. I ran down the stairs fumbling with the entangled ear phones of my i-pod and finally managing to plug them into my ears. Avril Lavigne started softly whispering in my ears, I m waiting in the dark....I'm listening but there’s no sound....,My eyes were searching for a blue pulsar; I was not able to recollect where I had parked it in the morning. It was at the extreme right and I felt laziness creep through me for having to walk all the way till that point. I shook it off, quite literally and got on to my bike after putting on my head gear.
I started off my 30 minute long ride back home. I turned left from the main gate towards the down slope which led me towards The Secret Lake. I often wondered why it was called so, never bothered to find out though. I was riding at around 60 kmph, a normal speed on this road as it was generally empty at this time. It all happened in a flash. Another bike was traveling with approximately same or even more speed towards me. I immediately pressed the brakes so hard that my feet and my hands ached. The otherwise silent road was filled with screeching sound of the brakes. My bike came to halt just a few centimeters away from the other fellow’s bike. My heart was pounding like a hammer mill and Avril Lavigne was now crooning into my ears asking me
“Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed”
I found it very situational and smiled. The other biker didn’t find it funny at all and started mumbling something, obviously expletives. I couldn’t hear a single word, grinned sheepishly and rode off without any apology. I didn’t even know whether I owed an apology. I didn’t care either.
I continued my journey back home when this thought struck the deep dark corners of infinitely entangled nerves of my brain: What if I die today? Really, what if I die today?
I found this idea amusing. I was extremely tired more because of the scorching summer heat than because of the office work. This thought was very refreshing. I took a right turn and joined the main traffic. I saw numerous buses, heavy vehicles, cars, bikes over take me or come towards me in the opposite direction. What if one of them hits me so hard that I die today, now, at this very instant? What would happen to me? How would people around me react?
At this very instant, the song changed in my i-pod and it was Jagjit Singh now questioning and advising me about life:
Zindagi kya hai jaan ne ke liye ,
Zinda rehna bahut zaroori hai,
Aaj tak koi bhi raha tho nahi
This was more than just coincidence. How did the i-pod know what I was thinking of or what I was going through? How did it manage to play just the apt songs? This was a sign. I was somehow convinced that I will die on my way home. Was I scared? I thought about it. I wasn’t scared. Definitely not scared. I don’t know what it was but I was in a strange state of mind. Everything around me seemed to moving at a slower pace and smoothly. I was drifting. I was closer to death. And, I was not scared.
If I die today, I would take with me the sense of accomplishment that I was capable of getting into one of the best management colleges in the country. It would make someone on the waitlist move ahead and land in his dream institute. I felt happy for that person.
If I die today, my sister would be completely devastated. She would come running towards me and hug me. But I know she is strong, she has seen a lot in life. She would be able to manage. She would take charge and make sure everything goes on smoothly. I felt proud.
If I die today, my brother would be heart broken. He would immediately come to Hyderabad taking the earliest available flight. He hasn’t seen me for more than a year now and he would be terribly upset. But time would set things right. I felt sad for him.
If I die today, my best friends would get a shock of their life. They would cry profusely. It would be too bad for them to believe it. It would be a one of the greatest losses for them. But life would have to go on. Friends, who owed me, would not have to give it back to me. They would go ahead and lead their lives anyway. It felt good.
If I die today, I would leave with a sense of incompleteness. The project at the office would remain pending. My job would remain half done. My team would feel a good deal of loss. But, I was leaving after a couple of months anyway. They would find a replacement. I didn’t bother.
If I die today, the insurance company would not be very happy. They will have to pay the money that I did not even pay completely. I still have a couple of premiums to pay. It did not matter. It would not make a huge difference to my family anyway.
All these thoughts in various permutations started swirling through my mind. I felt dizzy. I was in a trance. I thought of all the things that would happen if that-which-should-not-happen happened today. My thoughts slowly traveled up the ladder of my mind but suddenly slipped down to my heart. And, that’s when I thought of the most important person in my life, my mother. She was waiting for me to return home. What would happen when she comes to know of the news? The very thought of her reaction gave me goose bumps. I had a lump in my throat. I wasn’t even sure if she would be able to bear the news. My brother was not around. My sister was also not around. She was all alone at home probably watching some serial on the television. She will not be able to it. She will definitely not be able to take it.
I shook myself to reality. I was now at the signal waiting for the green signal to permit me to go home to my mother. I decided that I will not die today. I will not die today because I have to live so that the most important person of my life lives. The signal turned green and I was just 5 minutes away from home. I rode on
I reached our apartment, took the lift to the fourth floor, inserted the key into the door and opened the door to find my mother happily lying on the bed watching her favorite serial. I smiled to myself. I took off my shoes and my bag. I went and snuggled beside my mother, wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tight. Without even asking me any strange questions, she hugged me back, started patting on my back and massaging my head. At that moment, I realized that I had made a very wise decision and was elated that I chose not to die today.
